The Golden Child

Read Mark 9:30-50

They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, Jesus asked them, “What were you arguing about on the road?” But they kept quiet because on the way, they had argued about who was the greatest. –Mark 9:33-34

In our previous church, Jamalyn and I worked together to design a one-day parent conference that we put on annually. The conference featured a nationally recognized keynote speaker, but in between those keynote sessions, we organized breakouts led by local therapists and community leaders. The breakouts covered a variety of topics such as caring for your marriage, setting boundaries with technology, helping kids with anxiety, and so on. The most popular workshop by far, though, was about managing sibling rivalry among your kids.

The breakout was led by a local therapist named Michelle Gambs. Michelle offered a much longer (and more expensive) parenting class that was well regarded in the area. She used this breakout as a “teaser” for her full class, sharing with parents her most popular lesson. I still remember the workshop clearly—it was like she was speaking directly to me.

Sibling rivalry, she explained, is normal and expected. Siblings live in close connection with each other. They compete for the same limited attention and resources (and devices). It’s inevitable that there will be conflict between them. The problem, Michelle explained, isn’t sibling rivalry. It’s favoritism. When siblings are in conflict with each other, the worst thing we can do as parents is to decide who is right and who is wrong. When we do, we anoint one of them as the “winner.” If we do it consistently enough, that child may come to see themselves as the “favorite.” The “loser” of our judgment, meanwhile, is left with a lot of resentment and anger. But they can’t express that resentment in anger towards their parents; the stakes are too high. So they direct their anger at their sibling, and the rivalry only deepens in intensity.

Which leaves the obvious question that all of us parents ask: So what are we to do when our children are fighting? Michelle’s response was simple: Let them work it out.

Not too long after, Jamalyn and I took a family vacation to Disney World, which turned out to be the perfect place to put into practice Michelle’s wisdom. Almost as soon as we entered the park, the kids were fighting over which ride we’d go on first and who’d get to ride in the front. Our normal practice was to try to “referee” these battles, which never seemed to make anyone happy. So on this occasion, we did what Michelle had counseled: we told the kids that we would go on whatever ride they agreed to go on first. But we weren’t going to pick as parents—they were going to have to work it out. If that meant that we stood in front of the castle all day, then so be it.

At first, I wasn’t sure of this strategy. Neither child seemed willing to bend, and I could just see the fight devolving into tears and a very expensive day being ruined. But instead, an amazing thing happened. After about five or ten minutes of pouting and whining and looking to us for answers, our kids came to their own agreement. One of them agreed to go on the other’s favorite ride first, if they, in turn, got to choose where we went for lunch. (Or something to that effect.) We went along with our da,y and it was truly magical. Jamalyn and I felt like we’d just found a “cheat code” as parents!

That’s the memory that comes to my mind as I reflect on this story about James and John. They were walking on the road to Capernaum, just days after experiencing the Transfiguration and hearing Jesus’ prediction of death. And what were they talking about? Who would get to sit at Jesus’ right hand in the kingdom of God? Remember that these two were siblings. In essence, they were wondering—Which of us is Jesus’ favorite?

The Bible has a long history of sibling rivalries. Cain and Abel. Isaac and Ishmael. Rebekah and Leah. Jacob and Esau. Joseph and his brothers. Even the most popular parable that Jesus ever told—the Prodigal Son—features an older brother who has spent his life trying to assure himself that he’s the favorite! (Note that in Jesus’ parable, there is no “favorite”—the Father’s love is equally available to them both!)

Jesus didn’t exactly follow Michelle’s advice with James and John. He very much stepped into the middle of their conflict. However, he did not choose one of them as his favorite. Instead, Jesus took this opportunity to teach his disciples about the kingdom of God. In God’s kingdom, the greatest among you is the least. Then Jesus took a child and placed it among them: If you want to enter the kingdom of heaven, Jesus explained, you must become like this child.

I go back to my Disney World experience with my children. In that moment of disagreement, the crucial thing they had to learn was how to yield to one another. If I had stepped in and solved the conflict, they would have failed to learn this lesson. To some degree, this is exactly what James and John had to learn as well—how to yield to one another, how to put others’ needs ahead of their own. Only when they learn that, Jesus said, could they become truly great.

We thank You, O God, for Your favor—for Your grace and kindness which knows no end. Remind us, Lord, that Your favor is not exclusive—that it does not belong to us, but is freely given to all. May we share Your love and kindness as freely to others as You have shared with us. Amen.